Next?

If there is one thing that makes work worthwhile amidst the monotonous research, analysis and eye strains, it would be the pressure that builds up within me. I've loved pressure even before I knew it existed, especially when the panic attacks I thought were crazy proved to be helpful in becoming even better in my past endeavors.

Today, I have once again proven that I indeed thrive under pressure. It's as if my neurons work faster (thanks to the stress) when there's a time limit. I remember back in College, I procrastinated simply for the rush that I've felt when doing a project or writing papers. But that rarely happened. I wasn't that confident enough that I could handle stress quite well so I became more of an obsessive-compulsive (commonly known as OC) with schedules and planners. However, today made me realize how I can really focus especially when it's somewhat a make or break situation. Nothing ever beats the pressure one imposes upon oneself just to prove that we can grow, improve, and evolve.

So lately, I have been thinking about our projects at work and how they never seem to end. I'm glad for all the productivity and responsibility given to me, but I would be a hypocrite if I didn't admit how I have been pondering on the future. Don't get me wrong, I am all for the living-in-the-moment, seizing-the-day idea, but I could not also ignore the idea of thinking forward, perhaps a few months and years from now.

Whether it concerns pursuing further studies, building a stable and enjoyable career, helping our families and our country, or simply planning on having our own family -- it all boils down to that question: WHAT COMES NEXT? I'm afraid I wouldn't want to focus only on my career and neglect the chances of having my own family, or vice-versa. These thoughts were triggered by my former professor who recently texted me to catch up and surprised me by saying, "Let me know when you get married." Now THAT'S a thought I never even bothered thinking about just yet! :))

Of course, that remains a mystery. My priorities remain the same, but I'd love to rehash my future plans as soon as I'm done fulfilling my basic needs. I have yet to reach the next chapter of my life. Heck, I'm just getting started!

It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bear - the pressure to be better than we are, the pressure to be better than we can be. It just builds and builds and builds.

- Grey's S07E08

a whirlwind of downfall

August became one hell of a month for me, academically and emotionally speaking as things became too complicated. Changes were apparent and the "natural flow" was disturbed. I can't even imagine I have survived the stress and still remained calm for more surprises in store for my family and I.

Just as I thought everything's getting better (at least for some aspects), life couldn't get any more tiring than this.

Nagkasabay-sabay lang talaga lahat.

My grandmother's been in and out of the hospital since January and she already had 3 strokes or so. When we visited her last summer, I tried so hard to reach that realization that it's time to accept whatever happens. Death is inevitable, especially with her old age. Our bodies begin to deteriorate and some systems now start to "malfunction". Still, I remain hopeful and supportive for the whole family.

But yesterday, during her birthday, she had another seizure attack and eventually led to more complications that needed intubation. Blood pressure was very low and even her hemoglobin count. In other words, her body's almost giving up.. I know her soul's fighting for life and more time to recover because she has always been a strong-willed woman; I just can't help but feel so helpless for her especially now that I couldn't be there.

She's now fighting for her life, holding on to whatever she still has. I'm doing the same thing--I just don't know how long I can last. I guess Life has its way of teaching us its lessons THE HARD WAY.

Thank you to those who have been very supportive to me and my family. Even the simplest ways of being there and asking how things are mean a lot. I am blessed to have more than what I can have with friends like you.


In these hard times, it is best to keep on keeping on, allowing ourselves to hope and give faith a chance. I just might be lucky and my [our] prayers will be heard.