Next?

If there is one thing that makes work worthwhile amidst the monotonous research, analysis and eye strains, it would be the pressure that builds up within me. I've loved pressure even before I knew it existed, especially when the panic attacks I thought were crazy proved to be helpful in becoming even better in my past endeavors.

Today, I have once again proven that I indeed thrive under pressure. It's as if my neurons work faster (thanks to the stress) when there's a time limit. I remember back in College, I procrastinated simply for the rush that I've felt when doing a project or writing papers. But that rarely happened. I wasn't that confident enough that I could handle stress quite well so I became more of an obsessive-compulsive (commonly known as OC) with schedules and planners. However, today made me realize how I can really focus especially when it's somewhat a make or break situation. Nothing ever beats the pressure one imposes upon oneself just to prove that we can grow, improve, and evolve.

So lately, I have been thinking about our projects at work and how they never seem to end. I'm glad for all the productivity and responsibility given to me, but I would be a hypocrite if I didn't admit how I have been pondering on the future. Don't get me wrong, I am all for the living-in-the-moment, seizing-the-day idea, but I could not also ignore the idea of thinking forward, perhaps a few months and years from now.

Whether it concerns pursuing further studies, building a stable and enjoyable career, helping our families and our country, or simply planning on having our own family -- it all boils down to that question: WHAT COMES NEXT? I'm afraid I wouldn't want to focus only on my career and neglect the chances of having my own family, or vice-versa. These thoughts were triggered by my former professor who recently texted me to catch up and surprised me by saying, "Let me know when you get married." Now THAT'S a thought I never even bothered thinking about just yet! :))

Of course, that remains a mystery. My priorities remain the same, but I'd love to rehash my future plans as soon as I'm done fulfilling my basic needs. I have yet to reach the next chapter of my life. Heck, I'm just getting started!

It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bear - the pressure to be better than we are, the pressure to be better than we can be. It just builds and builds and builds.

- Grey's S07E08

finding that adrenalin back

It's been a while since i last wrote something here. Life just happened, and i am currently enjoying/getting used to a new chapter i call Reality.

With college now gone, everything's bound to be uncertain. No more routines, graded homeworks, and concrete motivation-- freedom is definitely at hand. Yes, I love having this unlimited free time in my hands, reading those books i've always wanted to read (not those biology text books, photocopied philo readings, etc), play the guitar, piano and take time to write some new music. Everything just seems to be spontaneous.

But i know this kind of lifestyle should only be temporary. Even though a break from all those 5 years of studying is what i truly need, at some point, i must find that exact reason to become inspired. Don't get me wrong, I am inspired, but just in a different way. I miss having that drive to push my limits further. And yes, I love competitions. healthy competitions. :)

I'm not rushing into anything. Maybe i'm still searching for that one good reason when i'll be able to go back and be the competitive me again. I'm still enjoying this well-deserved rest but when the time comes that boredom strikes, i guess i should have already found that reason.

On another note, the latest Grey's Anatomy episode was amazing. Remarkable and unbelievable prosthetics. I sometimes see myself as Cristina Yang, being too driven and unable to express her feelings, except for extreme cases that rarely happen. Of course, it really means a lot to have someone who can be there for you. just be there.

"No matter how thick-skinned we try to be, there are millions of electrifying nerve endings in there -- open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes, that's the only thing left. Just dealing."

Just dealing. and hopefully, moving forward.

Question to confirm? or Confirm to question?

When we're headed toward an outcome that's too horrible to face, that's when we go looking for a second opinion. Sometimes, the answer we get just confirms our worst fears… but sometimes, it can shed new light on the problem, make you see it in a whole new way. After all the opinions have been heard, and every point of view has been considered, you finally find what you're after--the truth.

The newest episode of Grey's was just what I needed after yesterday. Different perspectives really help in knowing what we're supposed to do especially when we think what's ahead of us isn't just a nice walk in the park. I just had that feeling, hoping things were alright and even becoming great, yet it was such a surprise to actually be surprised. Sometimes, it's better to say something bad than give no reaction at all because what's even worse than that pain is not knowing what the real deal is. Not knowing what exactly is going on.

But the truth isn't where it ends. That's just where you begin again… with a whole new set of questions.

Now, where do we go from here? This might be a long journey ahead.

stranded?

Did you say it?

I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.

Did you say it?

Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then, look around... drink it in...

Because this is it..

It might be all gone tomorrow.

--Meredith, Grey's Anatomy Season 5 Finale

Maybe there are still hesitations because we know that deep inside, when we say it eventually, things will have to change. It might be for the better, but it's the fear of the unknown that keeps us from revealing our true emotions. Or maybe, we keep on hesitating because of that "time" we think we still have; that we continue being stranded in this isolation due to the fear of rejection and that having to deal with all these is the ridiculous pain we can't even call pain.

But the other end of the spectrum tells us we may have to deal with the fear of Regret if we keep on waiting for the right time. Too bad both ends have to include fear in the equation.

It all comes down to choosing the lesser evil and hoping that it's THE decision.

As for me, i'd rather wait and see where this tide leads me. Not that i won't decide, i'll just have to weigh my options first.

the bigger picture

In the middle of all the science-related work, 3 labreps for Wednesday and a thesis extended abstract due on Monday, I resorted to watching the new Grey's Anatomy episode right after it finished downloading and definitely, time was not wasted. Not at all.

Back in the previous entry about having said that i've sensed something's missing lately and with it comes this uncertainty of sorts, I now come to see a bigger picture of what's out there. What I should hope for.

The episode started with Jeffrey Dean Morgan narrating (one of my favorite characters in the show) about the reality of heaven and hell:

Denny: I believe in heaven; I also believe in hell. I've never seen either but I believe they exist. They have to exist because without a heaven, without a hell-- we're all just heading for limbo.

With all its issues scattered and unfinished, it has been one of those shows that you can't wait to see what happens next and true enough, every scene made me ask for more.. Every love story had their defining moments showing how they have realized their mistakes, the truth, and change that leads to maturity.

The ending was the best. I feel for Meredith and I love the moment Derek stood waiting and comforted her up to the point when he seemed helpless and asked for Cristina's help. He's one of those guys who'd run the risk proving how willing he is to hold on and protect their future. :)

Heaven, hell, limbo. No one really knows where we're going or what's waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say for sure with absolute certainty, it's the drama moments that take us to another place: moments of heaven on earth. And maybe for now, that's all we need to know.

There are only a few shows and movies that make me feel like this: teary-eyed and moved. It's not the ordinary goosebumps, it's one of those moments of heaven on earth... just when i have realized the bigger picture.