When Time and Semantics Collide

Words often fall short and fail to convey the true meaning of our heart's desires, which is why we often feel there's something lacking when we just let words make or break any situation. Actions, more often than not, provide a more accurate way of delivering that message. Yet, ambiguity remains.

It has been a while since I had the time to write here. In fact, this weekend will be one of those extended weekdays for me (as this has always been the case lately) and work just NEVER ENDS but I miss writing. I miss combining words to become thoughts and memories with a little mix of emotions. I miss sharing my ideas apart from writing songs (which I badly want to do now to de-stress) even though only a handful have discovered this site. (I hope)

But going back to words, a recent dilemma made me rethink about the truth - that even if time rarely provides that opportunity to discover the undiscovered, to speak the unspoken, to reach the unreachable, there is still that hint of trying to convey. After all, trying means to hope even if the odds are against it. But then again, what are perfect words for when it's not yet time to say that? Or maybe the idea of time will forever remain vague? Defined, yet unclear? Indeed, a dilemma that's on loop for quite some time now.

So, when exactly is the perfect time? Today? Tomorrow? Maybe more time could prepare me emotionally before things crumble apart but waiting could be forever. And we don't have the luxury of forever. I guess the risk is still not worth taking and it's better left unresolved until the only choice left is to let go.

Now the trouble that comes with waiting and leaving things without trying are two words: What if?

Yes, words can be deceiving and no matter how much we try to capture the essence of that feeling, it never exactly reaches perfection. Like an asymptote, it gets too close to the context yet never entirely depicts it. Maybe that's why music reaches the soul - it's not just the lyrics but the melody that makes the emotions visible. Songs could reach out more than words alone. Nevertheless, for as long as this risk overpowers and clouds the truth, this remains.

I may not know what and how to react just yet but I will definitely think it through. 

finding that adrenalin back

It's been a while since i last wrote something here. Life just happened, and i am currently enjoying/getting used to a new chapter i call Reality.

With college now gone, everything's bound to be uncertain. No more routines, graded homeworks, and concrete motivation-- freedom is definitely at hand. Yes, I love having this unlimited free time in my hands, reading those books i've always wanted to read (not those biology text books, photocopied philo readings, etc), play the guitar, piano and take time to write some new music. Everything just seems to be spontaneous.

But i know this kind of lifestyle should only be temporary. Even though a break from all those 5 years of studying is what i truly need, at some point, i must find that exact reason to become inspired. Don't get me wrong, I am inspired, but just in a different way. I miss having that drive to push my limits further. And yes, I love competitions. healthy competitions. :)

I'm not rushing into anything. Maybe i'm still searching for that one good reason when i'll be able to go back and be the competitive me again. I'm still enjoying this well-deserved rest but when the time comes that boredom strikes, i guess i should have already found that reason.

On another note, the latest Grey's Anatomy episode was amazing. Remarkable and unbelievable prosthetics. I sometimes see myself as Cristina Yang, being too driven and unable to express her feelings, except for extreme cases that rarely happen. Of course, it really means a lot to have someone who can be there for you. just be there.

"No matter how thick-skinned we try to be, there are millions of electrifying nerve endings in there -- open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes, that's the only thing left. Just dealing."

Just dealing. and hopefully, moving forward.

stranded?

Did you say it?

I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.

Did you say it?

Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then, look around... drink it in...

Because this is it..

It might be all gone tomorrow.

--Meredith, Grey's Anatomy Season 5 Finale

Maybe there are still hesitations because we know that deep inside, when we say it eventually, things will have to change. It might be for the better, but it's the fear of the unknown that keeps us from revealing our true emotions. Or maybe, we keep on hesitating because of that "time" we think we still have; that we continue being stranded in this isolation due to the fear of rejection and that having to deal with all these is the ridiculous pain we can't even call pain.

But the other end of the spectrum tells us we may have to deal with the fear of Regret if we keep on waiting for the right time. Too bad both ends have to include fear in the equation.

It all comes down to choosing the lesser evil and hoping that it's THE decision.

As for me, i'd rather wait and see where this tide leads me. Not that i won't decide, i'll just have to weigh my options first.