and it finally ends

2009. Some year this was.

Too many disappointments, yet i remain hopeful.

Too many changes, yet i remain strong.

Too many trials, yet i remain courageous.

Too many fights, yet i remain positive.

Too many disasters, yet i remain blessed.


It was a tough year for me and my family. Losing one of the most important people in my life (my grandma) this year made the holidays sad for us and i know this grief never ends, yet I know time will come when we can finally accept it and just learn how to live with it.

Despite the dark and trying times, I still have a lot of reasons to be thankful for. New and old friends, stronger ties, and new lessons learned made me wiser and even a better person than I was before.

Thank you to everyone who were part of my 2009. Happy New Year and may 2010 be the best year to fulfill the dreams and goals that were once forgotten in this dark 2009! :)

Question to confirm? or Confirm to question?

When we're headed toward an outcome that's too horrible to face, that's when we go looking for a second opinion. Sometimes, the answer we get just confirms our worst fears… but sometimes, it can shed new light on the problem, make you see it in a whole new way. After all the opinions have been heard, and every point of view has been considered, you finally find what you're after--the truth.

The newest episode of Grey's was just what I needed after yesterday. Different perspectives really help in knowing what we're supposed to do especially when we think what's ahead of us isn't just a nice walk in the park. I just had that feeling, hoping things were alright and even becoming great, yet it was such a surprise to actually be surprised. Sometimes, it's better to say something bad than give no reaction at all because what's even worse than that pain is not knowing what the real deal is. Not knowing what exactly is going on.

But the truth isn't where it ends. That's just where you begin again… with a whole new set of questions.

Now, where do we go from here? This might be a long journey ahead.

a whirlwind of downfall

August became one hell of a month for me, academically and emotionally speaking as things became too complicated. Changes were apparent and the "natural flow" was disturbed. I can't even imagine I have survived the stress and still remained calm for more surprises in store for my family and I.

Just as I thought everything's getting better (at least for some aspects), life couldn't get any more tiring than this.

Nagkasabay-sabay lang talaga lahat.

My grandmother's been in and out of the hospital since January and she already had 3 strokes or so. When we visited her last summer, I tried so hard to reach that realization that it's time to accept whatever happens. Death is inevitable, especially with her old age. Our bodies begin to deteriorate and some systems now start to "malfunction". Still, I remain hopeful and supportive for the whole family.

But yesterday, during her birthday, she had another seizure attack and eventually led to more complications that needed intubation. Blood pressure was very low and even her hemoglobin count. In other words, her body's almost giving up.. I know her soul's fighting for life and more time to recover because she has always been a strong-willed woman; I just can't help but feel so helpless for her especially now that I couldn't be there.

She's now fighting for her life, holding on to whatever she still has. I'm doing the same thing--I just don't know how long I can last. I guess Life has its way of teaching us its lessons THE HARD WAY.

Thank you to those who have been very supportive to me and my family. Even the simplest ways of being there and asking how things are mean a lot. I am blessed to have more than what I can have with friends like you.


In these hard times, it is best to keep on keeping on, allowing ourselves to hope and give faith a chance. I just might be lucky and my [our] prayers will be heard.

telos

Things have fallen into place lately, including the emotions that were scattered all over.

I normally don't dwell on certain things for a long time. I hate waiting and all the other things that require patience.

But i do think I've somewhat changed, if only for that part. :)
-----

I'm listening to Ben Deignan's cover of Beauty of Who You Are for 3 straight days now and I still can't get enough of it. Perhaps it's the jazzy/soulful vibe to it combined with the poetic lyrics.


you're a sweet little mystery sent from the stars
and that's the beauty of who you are


A mystery will unfold by itself, without being forced to. I don't know when, but I know it will come. Soon. :)

The First of the Last

Most, if not all consider their "firsts" and "lasts" special because of its mere importance. We become ecstatic for our first day in class, first car, first paycheck, first love, among others. We even feel nostalgic when we think about our last day in school, last requirement, last reunion, and the most obvious, the last day of the year (with New Year's Eve as a perfect example). Even for trivial reasons, the First and Last parts of an essay are what makes it interesting.

Tomorrow will be the first day of my last year as a College student. Tomorrow will also be the first time that I'll be going to school without my closest friends; not that I don't treasure my other friends... it's just different. Nonetheless, I'm glad to have my fellow Fifth years and other friends to make things less stressful.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of change. I know it will be the same stress, requirements and deadlines but it's a different journey now. And when I look back, this last year will certainly stand out with all the new things and experiences to look forward to.

I just hope for the best. I can't wait.

stranded?

Did you say it?

I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.

Did you say it?

Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then, look around... drink it in...

Because this is it..

It might be all gone tomorrow.

--Meredith, Grey's Anatomy Season 5 Finale

Maybe there are still hesitations because we know that deep inside, when we say it eventually, things will have to change. It might be for the better, but it's the fear of the unknown that keeps us from revealing our true emotions. Or maybe, we keep on hesitating because of that "time" we think we still have; that we continue being stranded in this isolation due to the fear of rejection and that having to deal with all these is the ridiculous pain we can't even call pain.

But the other end of the spectrum tells us we may have to deal with the fear of Regret if we keep on waiting for the right time. Too bad both ends have to include fear in the equation.

It all comes down to choosing the lesser evil and hoping that it's THE decision.

As for me, i'd rather wait and see where this tide leads me. Not that i won't decide, i'll just have to weigh my options first.

it's all in the mind

You are the master of your life, and the Universe is answering your every command. Don't become mesmerized by the pictures that have appeared if they are not what you want. Take responsibility for them, make light of them if you can, and let them go. Then think new thoughts of what you want, feel them, and be grateful that it is done.

--The Secret

yes, it's all in the mind.

hopeful attempt

Changes do come for the better and also when you least expect it to happen.

I've been reading The Secret the other day and I'm still trying to believe that positive thinking does indeed help one achieve his dreams or to say realistically, goals. It's great having to lessen our fear and anxiety about what's to happen in the future or having our prayers and wishes answered by the Lord.

When it comes to believing and having faith, my life is a perfect example of a rollercoaster ride. I was born and raised as a Catholic, with a religious family and a Catholic education. It was when I reached high school that I started missing the Sunday masses because of seemingly more important things i.e. my academics or anything school-related. Reaching college was both better and worse as years went by. At first, I attended those masses held in the chapel and would even go there whenever i needed peace and quiet. Not that the library isn't peaceful enough; it was the chapel where i found inner peace.

But things changed. I was too busy for all these and for the rest of those religious 'requirements' that were too much for me. Theology was the only avenue where I could talk to Him (although i must admit hating the subject for i didn't even know why it takes more of my time than my majors) and before i went to bed. At least this tradition of praying before sleeping never got lost within me.

And when Philosophy came specifically the Philosophy of Religion, it was one of those interesting subjects i valued and actually enjoyed studying probably because this was the most accessible way for me to understand the Divine better. Don't get me wrong--I do believe there's a God but I just don't get if He truly exists or if he's just an illusion people make to rationalize their lives and the problems they have. So this subject allowed me to question his existence (unlike Theology where it's already a given) and that somewhat gave me a sense of clarity.

The most memorable topic from that subject was about Marcel's Hope. Hope is one of those misunderstood words or worse, overused ones that may be an understatement to what it really is. My grandmother's condition is now unpredictable after having a stroke and now, pneumonia. She's in the ICU and all I can do is Hope. I can contribute with the researches whether to have the tracheotomy or not and after that, I am left to being patient and hopeful.

Hope is operative within the context of time hence, the need for patience. It's true that when we don't have any other option/way to save someone from being a captive of their illness, it's when we come to Him and at least try to pray for a better change. And with this patience comes the need to wait but my attempt to divert my mind from thinking about her condition is futile. I have read books, played the guitar and piano, surfed the net and talked to my friends but nothing changed. All the more that my passion for medicine is pushed to a higher level that I can't wait to become a doctor and do what I can to help; so i can finally not feel helpless about this family problem.

My passion has never faded but reality bites. Why does this have to happen now and not when I'm already a surgeon? I terribly miss my lola. I miss her support and eagerness whenever I have a story to tell her or just updates that I've seen this special person and spent time with him. I miss the lola who was just there when I needed her and when my parents were mad at me. Now she can't even talk or move. What's worse, chasing her breath so she can live? This is too much.

But hope is only possible when there is despair. Perhaps it's one of God's tests... for the family members to be closer with each other and for all of us to keep the faith.. To be strong for our beloved grandmother.

I'll give that positive thinking a try. Who knows, it may just be the solution we've been waiting for.

the bigger picture

In the middle of all the science-related work, 3 labreps for Wednesday and a thesis extended abstract due on Monday, I resorted to watching the new Grey's Anatomy episode right after it finished downloading and definitely, time was not wasted. Not at all.

Back in the previous entry about having said that i've sensed something's missing lately and with it comes this uncertainty of sorts, I now come to see a bigger picture of what's out there. What I should hope for.

The episode started with Jeffrey Dean Morgan narrating (one of my favorite characters in the show) about the reality of heaven and hell:

Denny: I believe in heaven; I also believe in hell. I've never seen either but I believe they exist. They have to exist because without a heaven, without a hell-- we're all just heading for limbo.

With all its issues scattered and unfinished, it has been one of those shows that you can't wait to see what happens next and true enough, every scene made me ask for more.. Every love story had their defining moments showing how they have realized their mistakes, the truth, and change that leads to maturity.

The ending was the best. I feel for Meredith and I love the moment Derek stood waiting and comforted her up to the point when he seemed helpless and asked for Cristina's help. He's one of those guys who'd run the risk proving how willing he is to hold on and protect their future. :)

Heaven, hell, limbo. No one really knows where we're going or what's waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say for sure with absolute certainty, it's the drama moments that take us to another place: moments of heaven on earth. And maybe for now, that's all we need to know.

There are only a few shows and movies that make me feel like this: teary-eyed and moved. It's not the ordinary goosebumps, it's one of those moments of heaven on earth... just when i have realized the bigger picture.

je ne sais pas

Where shall I even start?

With all the productivity for thesis (the rush for more data, editing our paper, and more specimens to prepare for the SEM forum on Sat), Aegis (several meetings and scheduled photoshoots here and there, updates, revisions for the blueprint pages, etc) acads (completion of requirements, good grades and then some), job fair and even family matters,

there's definitely something missing. I might seem to neglect something because of the overwhelming schedule and obligations to fulfill but i'm quite certain there should be something more.

I'm left with the uncertainty but I remain optimistic and hopeful on what lies in the coming weeks and few months left for my main project (the yearbook); and of course, thrilled for my batchmates and friends who are about to enter a new realm that awaits them in their respective careers.

As for me, i don't know. I'd rather wait and see. :)

Ægis Bulletin No. 2

Issue No. 2

Contact Details

The Ateneo Aegis 2009 Editorial Board, in consultation with the admin, will not be including the seniors' contact details in the yearbook anymore for privacy and security reasons.

Grad Pic Distribution

The distribution of graduation pictures will be on January 26-30 (Monday – Friday) at the Colayco Pavilion (Lower Part), from 8:00am to 4:30 pm.

Photo package balance and refunds for the Creative shot winners should be settled on the venue upon claiming your grad pictures.

Please bring your receipts.

Yearbook

You may still purchase a yearbook until February 2009 in case you were not able to during the registration period.

• Get an order form from the Aegis Room (MVP 207)
• Fill up the form with the necessary information
• Pay the cashier

iYearbook

The Interactive Yearbook is a collection of poems, articles, videos, movie clips, music, photos and art works that encapsulate the four years you've spent at the Ateneo. ALL SENIORS are invited to share their photo, video, music or literary works with the whole batch by contributing to the content of the Interactive Yearbook (iYearbook).

File formats accepted

• Photo (photography and art works) - JPEG (.jpg/.jpeg)
• Video (documentaries, movie clips, etc.) - MPEG (.mpg/.mpeg) or SWF (.swf)
• Literary (poems, short stories, articles, letters, etc.) - RTF (.rtf) or DOC (.doc)
• Music - MP3 (.mp3)

Submission format

• Save your submission/s in a CD. Label your CD by writing your name (or group name for group submissions) and content type of your submission (i.e., Photo, Video, Literary, or Music) on the CD. Do not compress your submission/s into an archive (.zip/.rar). Team Ægis will not edit/revise your submission, so make sure that whatever you submit has been finalized already.
• In your CD, include an RTF or DOC file containing your name, contact information, and the title and short description (maximum of 7 sentences) of your submission. For multiple submissions (e.g., photos and literary works), please make sure that each submission has its own title and description.

How to submit

• Submission is from January 19 to February 7, from 9:00am-4:30pm (weekdays) or 9:00am-12:00nn(weekends)
• Drop your CDs in the designated boxes inside the Ægis room (MVP 207). For individual submissions: place your CD in the box labeled Individual Submissions.For group submissions: place your CD in the box labeled Group Submissions.

The deadline of submissions for the iYearbook is on February 7, 2009 (Saturday) at 12:00nn.

Visit the Aegis Website (http://aegis09.ateneo.edu) regularly for important announcements and updates

Brought to you by The Ateneo ÆGIS 2009 TEAM