Contentment

Today is Christmas, and one realization hit me:

Christmas is better when you were a kid.

As I saw my younger cousin open gifts (usually, I was the kid whom everyone loved to fool about Santa and all those gimmicks about Christmas) and jump every now and then when there's a new shirt, toy, and set of chocolates, it dawned on me that I was way past that phase of enjoying this event. Damn, I am old.

I used to defend my beliefs about Santa to my cousins and friends - how I always received my toy trains, Harry Potter collectibles, Ruffles, Lays, Toblerone, and more chocolates and goodies that I have always wished for. But now that we've all grown up, we have stopped putting up stockings and letters on the Christmas tree and just laugh that old thought away. Santa was back to being the myth it has always been.

Although this may be reality, we may never be able to appreciate Christmas in just this sense--how we see Santa and used to believe in him. Santa, as what my dad tells me, is this spirit of giving that remains with us whenever this time of the year comes. Kids would enjoy this celebration all the more because of that belief and how we keep writing that wishlist in hopes of someone making those wishes come true. That's why we never let their hopes down, that Santa isn't real. Santa will remain real for as long as you believe there's someone out there who will continue to give us hope.

I may no longer be a kid but I will remain a kid at heart, content with the belief that Santa remains true in the spirit of giving, being grateful for friends, family, and all the other blessings that came our way. For that, Christmas remains alive.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to the Christ that God gave us. :)

Next?

If there is one thing that makes work worthwhile amidst the monotonous research, analysis and eye strains, it would be the pressure that builds up within me. I've loved pressure even before I knew it existed, especially when the panic attacks I thought were crazy proved to be helpful in becoming even better in my past endeavors.

Today, I have once again proven that I indeed thrive under pressure. It's as if my neurons work faster (thanks to the stress) when there's a time limit. I remember back in College, I procrastinated simply for the rush that I've felt when doing a project or writing papers. But that rarely happened. I wasn't that confident enough that I could handle stress quite well so I became more of an obsessive-compulsive (commonly known as OC) with schedules and planners. However, today made me realize how I can really focus especially when it's somewhat a make or break situation. Nothing ever beats the pressure one imposes upon oneself just to prove that we can grow, improve, and evolve.

So lately, I have been thinking about our projects at work and how they never seem to end. I'm glad for all the productivity and responsibility given to me, but I would be a hypocrite if I didn't admit how I have been pondering on the future. Don't get me wrong, I am all for the living-in-the-moment, seizing-the-day idea, but I could not also ignore the idea of thinking forward, perhaps a few months and years from now.

Whether it concerns pursuing further studies, building a stable and enjoyable career, helping our families and our country, or simply planning on having our own family -- it all boils down to that question: WHAT COMES NEXT? I'm afraid I wouldn't want to focus only on my career and neglect the chances of having my own family, or vice-versa. These thoughts were triggered by my former professor who recently texted me to catch up and surprised me by saying, "Let me know when you get married." Now THAT'S a thought I never even bothered thinking about just yet! :))

Of course, that remains a mystery. My priorities remain the same, but I'd love to rehash my future plans as soon as I'm done fulfilling my basic needs. I have yet to reach the next chapter of my life. Heck, I'm just getting started!

It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bear - the pressure to be better than we are, the pressure to be better than we can be. It just builds and builds and builds.

- Grey's S07E08

hold that thought

Lily: You can't design your life like a building, it doesn't work that way. You just have to live it and it'll design itself.

Ted: So what, I should just do nothing?

Lily: No, listen to what the world is telling you to do, and take the leap.

--How I Met Your Mother S04E24

---

Working wasn't the "plan" after graduation. In fact, I have always dreamed and planned to become a neurosurgeon, grow old doing medical research and saving lives. Unfortunately, some plans never turn out perfectly. Maybe we just have to be more flexible to what life offers us. Be more open to the possibility of exploring, start anew and "take the leap".

Let's see where this new tide takes me. I always believe change is good, oftentimes for the better. I guess I just have to put the so-called 'dream' on hold and wish for time to let me pursue it soon.

Soon. :)

[temporary] ceasefire.

Push.

Life will test your capacity to adapt before advancing you... so, if you're doing all you can, and the road still gets rough, you're going the right way. Push.

- Gabe Bondoc

the inevitable fall

"We're all struggling to stay upright. Resisting the pull of temptation, just as we fight the pull of gravity. And when we finally fall, it's always such a surprise"

-Tess Gerritsen, The Sinner (2003)

finding that adrenalin back

It's been a while since i last wrote something here. Life just happened, and i am currently enjoying/getting used to a new chapter i call Reality.

With college now gone, everything's bound to be uncertain. No more routines, graded homeworks, and concrete motivation-- freedom is definitely at hand. Yes, I love having this unlimited free time in my hands, reading those books i've always wanted to read (not those biology text books, photocopied philo readings, etc), play the guitar, piano and take time to write some new music. Everything just seems to be spontaneous.

But i know this kind of lifestyle should only be temporary. Even though a break from all those 5 years of studying is what i truly need, at some point, i must find that exact reason to become inspired. Don't get me wrong, I am inspired, but just in a different way. I miss having that drive to push my limits further. And yes, I love competitions. healthy competitions. :)

I'm not rushing into anything. Maybe i'm still searching for that one good reason when i'll be able to go back and be the competitive me again. I'm still enjoying this well-deserved rest but when the time comes that boredom strikes, i guess i should have already found that reason.

On another note, the latest Grey's Anatomy episode was amazing. Remarkable and unbelievable prosthetics. I sometimes see myself as Cristina Yang, being too driven and unable to express her feelings, except for extreme cases that rarely happen. Of course, it really means a lot to have someone who can be there for you. just be there.

"No matter how thick-skinned we try to be, there are millions of electrifying nerve endings in there -- open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes, that's the only thing left. Just dealing."

Just dealing. and hopefully, moving forward.