Grateful.

As I entered a new chapter of my life, I have been constantly repeating this simple yet so meaningful word: GRATEFUL.


Perhaps I consider it the best word to describe how I have now reached my current status and how much I love my new endeavor. Indeed, it is a blessing in itself to teach and be taught; to learn and share our knowledge; to love and be loved. I never knew I'd be enjoying the first few weeks of my new career and hopefully, in the many months and years to come. Maybe, just maybe, it will be the most fulfilling and challenging work that I'll ever have (Prior to reaching my ultimate dream, of course).

When it rains, it definitely pours. I cannot stop telling myself how grateful I am to have found new people I now consider friends, old friends who have always been there, and colleagues who welcome me with much enthusiasm. All I know is that right now, everything has worked well for me and I can only hope it continues for the rest of the year.

New Faculty of the Ateneo High School (2011-2012) minutes before our 80's-themed Presentation (photo from Sophie)

Ça  y est! :)

moving beyond

Literally a few minutes ago, I  purchased Gabe Bondoc's Spring EP 2011 and it exceeded my expectations. I cannot believe he has grown and improved so much as a musician and person. As I am currently listening to it, I pondered on my own growth, too -- as a person, biologist, and musician.

One year has come and gone and here I am still contemplating on that dream. Changes are now evident, with my sudden career shift as I joined the corporate world and now a part of the working class. This was never how I envisioned myself to be but I had to adapt and recreate myself in order to fully actualize that dream. Now, I still cling to the thought of pursuing further studies, redefining the future plan to a more specific and practical one.

One year has made me realize how different I have become. I have remained good friends with the people who continue to be part of my life after college and also made new connections here and there. One year brought so many new perspectives in my own relationships with my former professors who became my good friends, classmates, colleagues, and family. I am just so blessed and grateful that I can still count on a few people who are willing to support endlessly. Some people may leave but there are just those who remain true, close and special.
 
I love supporting independent artists as I am one myself, especially when there's hard work involved. Definitely an extended amount of time and effort was needed to produce this album! Gabe remains to be one of my biggest inspirations to pursue my music whenever time lets me. So, please support if you're into the acoustic/singer-songwriter genre. Artists like him need to be recognized even more than those who are currently in the mainstream because he really has the talent and drive to entertain and touch people's lives through music. I hope I can do the same, too.

There are so many things I want to do but it seems that time can never be enough. I'll start with those baby steps, prepare for even greater heights and pursue that new path, hopefully continuing my music on the side. It won't be an easy road ahead but it will be worth it.

I've got miles to go before I get there, 
But I will get there, I know.  - Lion by Gabe Bondoc

broken road

It's been days since I revived my love for this song by Rascal Flatts entitled Bless the Broken Road not because it has a beautiful melody but the lyrics, oh they just speak right through the heart. Now the repeat button has been overly used. :)

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you, but maybe I should start becoming aware that a certain Higher Being has all the reasons why things happen, why I've stuck to this belief that all will be well. As the song says, "It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true". Mais je souhaite que tu sais quoi et comment important tu es pour moi; et j'espère que tu es toujours là avec moi quand je réalise mes rêves.

I'm not a fan of country music/bands but this song clearly is an exception. Alas, a new inspiration for my own song.

Someday

Merriam-Webster's Definition:

some·day \ˈsəm-ˌdā\

adv.

at some future time

Such a simple word yet so many beautiful meanings and implications arise from it, at least for me.

Possibility

Even though it cannot happen yet, we remain open to the possibility that someday, it will. Someday, we will make it happen. Time allows us to mature ergo, what is absent now can be made present soon. Someday.

Waiting

Because we know there is that possibility, we become patient so much so that we are willing to wait. Waiting is difficult especially when one does not know what he's waiting for. However, it is in this act that allows us to cross the lines - to transcend and overcome our limits. Because even if we know we will suffer and get tired of it, we hold on to that possibility and to the chance that someday, we can obtain our heart's desires. Someday.

Hoping

Hope here is never treated only in a diluted sense where we expect our wishes to come true and believe these would happen. It is not something like optimism that expects results in the end but rather, it never demands/provokes/dares anything.

Hope can only be possible when despair is evident. It is despair when one waits for the unknown thus, we begin to embrace patience and in so doing, we hope. Because there is no insistence, real hope relies on the faith of it happening someday. In the passage of time, I hope things will be better. Someday.

Promise

Though uncertain and indefinite, someday somehow connotes a promise that it can/will be. With the waiting and hoping, a promise forms from the possibilities that time offers. Time gives us that sense of fulfilling something we haven't done in the past and so we have that unsaid promise. Promises exist because of our understanding of the future. As such, someday provides that sense of letting everything be in its own time. In saying "Someday", I have opened myself to having faith and hoping (refer to the description above) in my promise, fulfilled or not.

---

Someday

(music and lyrics by Sassy Guerrero, © 2010)

If there's one thing I regret

Since the day that we met

I've never been truly honest

Feelings were kept hidden

Words were left unspoken

That I've already fallen

Refrain:

but will it still work out

knowing you're gone now?

I'll make a new plan

take the chance

Chorus:

Someday, we'll have the courage

To say those 3 words

Truth should be told

Someday, we'll fight for what's right

To stay with each other

Be together forever

someday

If there's one thing I know

There's still that tomorrow

To try again and mend what's broken

Cherish those memories

Create our destinies

Yes, love's full of mysteries

(refrain then chorus)

Bridge:

I'm tired of hiding and waiting

Let's make today the beginning

Of something worth lasting

Coz if truth be told right now

I love you's not enough somehow….

I never wrote this song with all these in mind. In fact, I'm quite surprised I captured love with just one word: Someday. While writing, I just remembered this certain someone who remains to be an inspiration and voila, the song came to be.

So, to you, who made this song possible: Thank You. Happy Valentine's Day.

----

Feel free to download it on my Soundclick page sometime in the afternoon. :) (For some reason, I can't upload the song right now.)

striving for positivity

It was February 10, 2011, Thursday. I have been made into a new person, where positivity seems lost into oblivion.

It will take some time for me to repair what got lost and what he crushed. It breaks my heart to do this but for now, this seems to be the best way to cope and heal. Let's not rush and be impulsive to these changes. I will slowly adapt and learn to accept that it's just how you deal with your emotions and I can't do anything about it. No matter how much I try to erase the moment in my head, I just can't. It pains me to be so negative towards you but I can't help it - this is how I deal with mine.

Life is too short to be taken for granted and to dwell on the bad experiences but for us to appreciate it even better, it's a must that we learn to embrace the bad to see the good and learn from it.

I will seriously fight the negativity but for now, only time will tell. Let it be.

All is not lost for hope remains. All the time.

Date a Girl Who Reads

This post seems to be spreading lately and I felt the need to re-post it as well, perhaps because I am that girl who chooses books over clothes; I am that girl who'd enjoy Friday nights at home with a cup of coffee and a sci-fi/medical thriller book instead of partying at clubs and whatnot. I am that girl who prefers brains more than anything.

Got this from Ayeth's blog.


Date A Girl Who Reads by Rosemarie Urquico

(In Response to Charles Warnke's You Should Date An Illiterate Girl.)

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

----
I'd love to write something like this one of these days - "Date a Guy Who Reads". Maybe, maybe not. But probably soon.

treasured trash

Unknown numbers that call and not respond to text messages whenever asked who they are might be perceived as some prank caller or stalker. Now the former, I can ignore; the latter, I CANNOT STAND. I cannot not think about them because I know that in a way, they would really act and do something MORE than just stalking. I do not understand why but believe me, I have been through that creepy experience to really know.

Someone called me earlier twice and ignored my reply and calls when I tried to ask his/her identity. So when I arrived home, I then checked my old phone for that number but still got no idea. Good thing it made me open my old phone and browse through those old messages, especially these:

It's hard to wait for someone who has no plan to arrive; hard to understand someone who never explains. But it's harder to live without that someone who makes hard things worthy.

Love for the sake of love without anything in return? Ideal. But can we really expect ourselves to feel this way? Act, yes; but feel? Maybe not. I believe love is giving a big part of yourself, and in the process, you find yourself needing some of it back.

I still kept those quotes after all these years and wow, they still have that effect. How cheesy, but I must admit they're actually making sense. :))

Thanks to that unknown caller, I got to read and reminisce on the good ol' days and still relate it to the now. Ideas/blessings do come in many forms of disguises.

Good night!

Contentment

Today is Christmas, and one realization hit me:

Christmas is better when you were a kid.

As I saw my younger cousin open gifts (usually, I was the kid whom everyone loved to fool about Santa and all those gimmicks about Christmas) and jump every now and then when there's a new shirt, toy, and set of chocolates, it dawned on me that I was way past that phase of enjoying this event. Damn, I am old.

I used to defend my beliefs about Santa to my cousins and friends - how I always received my toy trains, Harry Potter collectibles, Ruffles, Lays, Toblerone, and more chocolates and goodies that I have always wished for. But now that we've all grown up, we have stopped putting up stockings and letters on the Christmas tree and just laugh that old thought away. Santa was back to being the myth it has always been.

Although this may be reality, we may never be able to appreciate Christmas in just this sense--how we see Santa and used to believe in him. Santa, as what my dad tells me, is this spirit of giving that remains with us whenever this time of the year comes. Kids would enjoy this celebration all the more because of that belief and how we keep writing that wishlist in hopes of someone making those wishes come true. That's why we never let their hopes down, that Santa isn't real. Santa will remain real for as long as you believe there's someone out there who will continue to give us hope.

I may no longer be a kid but I will remain a kid at heart, content with the belief that Santa remains true in the spirit of giving, being grateful for friends, family, and all the other blessings that came our way. For that, Christmas remains alive.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to the Christ that God gave us. :)

Next?

If there is one thing that makes work worthwhile amidst the monotonous research, analysis and eye strains, it would be the pressure that builds up within me. I've loved pressure even before I knew it existed, especially when the panic attacks I thought were crazy proved to be helpful in becoming even better in my past endeavors.

Today, I have once again proven that I indeed thrive under pressure. It's as if my neurons work faster (thanks to the stress) when there's a time limit. I remember back in College, I procrastinated simply for the rush that I've felt when doing a project or writing papers. But that rarely happened. I wasn't that confident enough that I could handle stress quite well so I became more of an obsessive-compulsive (commonly known as OC) with schedules and planners. However, today made me realize how I can really focus especially when it's somewhat a make or break situation. Nothing ever beats the pressure one imposes upon oneself just to prove that we can grow, improve, and evolve.

So lately, I have been thinking about our projects at work and how they never seem to end. I'm glad for all the productivity and responsibility given to me, but I would be a hypocrite if I didn't admit how I have been pondering on the future. Don't get me wrong, I am all for the living-in-the-moment, seizing-the-day idea, but I could not also ignore the idea of thinking forward, perhaps a few months and years from now.

Whether it concerns pursuing further studies, building a stable and enjoyable career, helping our families and our country, or simply planning on having our own family -- it all boils down to that question: WHAT COMES NEXT? I'm afraid I wouldn't want to focus only on my career and neglect the chances of having my own family, or vice-versa. These thoughts were triggered by my former professor who recently texted me to catch up and surprised me by saying, "Let me know when you get married." Now THAT'S a thought I never even bothered thinking about just yet! :))

Of course, that remains a mystery. My priorities remain the same, but I'd love to rehash my future plans as soon as I'm done fulfilling my basic needs. I have yet to reach the next chapter of my life. Heck, I'm just getting started!

It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bear - the pressure to be better than we are, the pressure to be better than we can be. It just builds and builds and builds.

- Grey's S07E08

hold that thought

Lily: You can't design your life like a building, it doesn't work that way. You just have to live it and it'll design itself.

Ted: So what, I should just do nothing?

Lily: No, listen to what the world is telling you to do, and take the leap.

--How I Met Your Mother S04E24

---

Working wasn't the "plan" after graduation. In fact, I have always dreamed and planned to become a neurosurgeon, grow old doing medical research and saving lives. Unfortunately, some plans never turn out perfectly. Maybe we just have to be more flexible to what life offers us. Be more open to the possibility of exploring, start anew and "take the leap".

Let's see where this new tide takes me. I always believe change is good, oftentimes for the better. I guess I just have to put the so-called 'dream' on hold and wish for time to let me pursue it soon.

Soon. :)

[temporary] ceasefire.

Push.

Life will test your capacity to adapt before advancing you... so, if you're doing all you can, and the road still gets rough, you're going the right way. Push.

- Gabe Bondoc

the inevitable fall

"We're all struggling to stay upright. Resisting the pull of temptation, just as we fight the pull of gravity. And when we finally fall, it's always such a surprise"

-Tess Gerritsen, The Sinner (2003)

finding that adrenalin back

It's been a while since i last wrote something here. Life just happened, and i am currently enjoying/getting used to a new chapter i call Reality.

With college now gone, everything's bound to be uncertain. No more routines, graded homeworks, and concrete motivation-- freedom is definitely at hand. Yes, I love having this unlimited free time in my hands, reading those books i've always wanted to read (not those biology text books, photocopied philo readings, etc), play the guitar, piano and take time to write some new music. Everything just seems to be spontaneous.

But i know this kind of lifestyle should only be temporary. Even though a break from all those 5 years of studying is what i truly need, at some point, i must find that exact reason to become inspired. Don't get me wrong, I am inspired, but just in a different way. I miss having that drive to push my limits further. And yes, I love competitions. healthy competitions. :)

I'm not rushing into anything. Maybe i'm still searching for that one good reason when i'll be able to go back and be the competitive me again. I'm still enjoying this well-deserved rest but when the time comes that boredom strikes, i guess i should have already found that reason.

On another note, the latest Grey's Anatomy episode was amazing. Remarkable and unbelievable prosthetics. I sometimes see myself as Cristina Yang, being too driven and unable to express her feelings, except for extreme cases that rarely happen. Of course, it really means a lot to have someone who can be there for you. just be there.

"No matter how thick-skinned we try to be, there are millions of electrifying nerve endings in there -- open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes, that's the only thing left. Just dealing."

Just dealing. and hopefully, moving forward.

and it finally ends

2009. Some year this was.

Too many disappointments, yet i remain hopeful.

Too many changes, yet i remain strong.

Too many trials, yet i remain courageous.

Too many fights, yet i remain positive.

Too many disasters, yet i remain blessed.


It was a tough year for me and my family. Losing one of the most important people in my life (my grandma) this year made the holidays sad for us and i know this grief never ends, yet I know time will come when we can finally accept it and just learn how to live with it.

Despite the dark and trying times, I still have a lot of reasons to be thankful for. New and old friends, stronger ties, and new lessons learned made me wiser and even a better person than I was before.

Thank you to everyone who were part of my 2009. Happy New Year and may 2010 be the best year to fulfill the dreams and goals that were once forgotten in this dark 2009! :)

Question to confirm? or Confirm to question?

When we're headed toward an outcome that's too horrible to face, that's when we go looking for a second opinion. Sometimes, the answer we get just confirms our worst fears… but sometimes, it can shed new light on the problem, make you see it in a whole new way. After all the opinions have been heard, and every point of view has been considered, you finally find what you're after--the truth.

The newest episode of Grey's was just what I needed after yesterday. Different perspectives really help in knowing what we're supposed to do especially when we think what's ahead of us isn't just a nice walk in the park. I just had that feeling, hoping things were alright and even becoming great, yet it was such a surprise to actually be surprised. Sometimes, it's better to say something bad than give no reaction at all because what's even worse than that pain is not knowing what the real deal is. Not knowing what exactly is going on.

But the truth isn't where it ends. That's just where you begin again… with a whole new set of questions.

Now, where do we go from here? This might be a long journey ahead.

a whirlwind of downfall

August became one hell of a month for me, academically and emotionally speaking as things became too complicated. Changes were apparent and the "natural flow" was disturbed. I can't even imagine I have survived the stress and still remained calm for more surprises in store for my family and I.

Just as I thought everything's getting better (at least for some aspects), life couldn't get any more tiring than this.

Nagkasabay-sabay lang talaga lahat.

My grandmother's been in and out of the hospital since January and she already had 3 strokes or so. When we visited her last summer, I tried so hard to reach that realization that it's time to accept whatever happens. Death is inevitable, especially with her old age. Our bodies begin to deteriorate and some systems now start to "malfunction". Still, I remain hopeful and supportive for the whole family.

But yesterday, during her birthday, she had another seizure attack and eventually led to more complications that needed intubation. Blood pressure was very low and even her hemoglobin count. In other words, her body's almost giving up.. I know her soul's fighting for life and more time to recover because she has always been a strong-willed woman; I just can't help but feel so helpless for her especially now that I couldn't be there.

She's now fighting for her life, holding on to whatever she still has. I'm doing the same thing--I just don't know how long I can last. I guess Life has its way of teaching us its lessons THE HARD WAY.

Thank you to those who have been very supportive to me and my family. Even the simplest ways of being there and asking how things are mean a lot. I am blessed to have more than what I can have with friends like you.


In these hard times, it is best to keep on keeping on, allowing ourselves to hope and give faith a chance. I just might be lucky and my [our] prayers will be heard.

telos

Things have fallen into place lately, including the emotions that were scattered all over.

I normally don't dwell on certain things for a long time. I hate waiting and all the other things that require patience.

But i do think I've somewhat changed, if only for that part. :)
-----

I'm listening to Ben Deignan's cover of Beauty of Who You Are for 3 straight days now and I still can't get enough of it. Perhaps it's the jazzy/soulful vibe to it combined with the poetic lyrics.


you're a sweet little mystery sent from the stars
and that's the beauty of who you are


A mystery will unfold by itself, without being forced to. I don't know when, but I know it will come. Soon. :)

The First of the Last

Most, if not all consider their "firsts" and "lasts" special because of its mere importance. We become ecstatic for our first day in class, first car, first paycheck, first love, among others. We even feel nostalgic when we think about our last day in school, last requirement, last reunion, and the most obvious, the last day of the year (with New Year's Eve as a perfect example). Even for trivial reasons, the First and Last parts of an essay are what makes it interesting.

Tomorrow will be the first day of my last year as a College student. Tomorrow will also be the first time that I'll be going to school without my closest friends; not that I don't treasure my other friends... it's just different. Nonetheless, I'm glad to have my fellow Fifth years and other friends to make things less stressful.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of change. I know it will be the same stress, requirements and deadlines but it's a different journey now. And when I look back, this last year will certainly stand out with all the new things and experiences to look forward to.

I just hope for the best. I can't wait.

stranded?

Did you say it?

I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.

Did you say it?

Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then, look around... drink it in...

Because this is it..

It might be all gone tomorrow.

--Meredith, Grey's Anatomy Season 5 Finale

Maybe there are still hesitations because we know that deep inside, when we say it eventually, things will have to change. It might be for the better, but it's the fear of the unknown that keeps us from revealing our true emotions. Or maybe, we keep on hesitating because of that "time" we think we still have; that we continue being stranded in this isolation due to the fear of rejection and that having to deal with all these is the ridiculous pain we can't even call pain.

But the other end of the spectrum tells us we may have to deal with the fear of Regret if we keep on waiting for the right time. Too bad both ends have to include fear in the equation.

It all comes down to choosing the lesser evil and hoping that it's THE decision.

As for me, i'd rather wait and see where this tide leads me. Not that i won't decide, i'll just have to weigh my options first.